Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I <3 Southwest Airlines

Today, for your amusement, entertainment, merriment, and a lot of other things that end in -ment, we have a Spring Break Quotepage Triple Feature!

Part 1 - "Poop is food": Professors Gone Wild

Prof Arana: Let's not talk about magic for now...

Prof Arana: You're getting more macho as you take on this stuff.

Prof Arana: That's just too many words to write down. Too many letters.

Prof Arana: Forget all that nonsense! Do it the right way.

Prof Arana: And you wonder why we come out like this after a PhD.

Prof Arana: You learn to feel that you are a moron, which is a good thing to learn at some point.

Prof Arana: So we'll get a PhD in 3 days, then. Starting next week.

Prof Johnson: This is almost starting to sound like a game show.

Prof Johnson: My boyfriend is always doing that. I try to stop him, but I never catch him. He's a physicist.
Random girl: Dumb physicists.
Prof Johnson: Yeah, I know.

Prof Johnson: Poop is food.

Random guy: What's the drinking water supply for Lawrence?
Prof Johnson: The Kansas river.
Random guy: That explains everything.

Guy in the back: So our sewage goes into the Kansas river and they drink it?
Prof Johnson: Yes.
Guy in the back: That's awesome. We're going to make t-shirts.

Prof Johnson: It says, "Don't swim here because there's poop."

Prof Sabates: Which in turn is going to send the message that I need to remove my brain.
Class: (awkward pause)
Tracy: You just said you need to remove your brain.
Prof Sabates: Well, for me that might be a good idea.

Part 2 - "You're just shallow": A Philosophy Conference Interlude

Philo commentator: The issue of the supremacy of Thin Mints aside...

Philo presenter: I was a philosophical couch potato. Just philosophically going up the stairs wore me down.

Philo presenter: And if we're going to gesture, let them be explicit gestures.

Philo presenter: You're not wrong, just shallow!

Philo presenter: Even if those counterarguments don't go through, neener, neener, neener.

Part 3 - "Your tax dollars at work": I Heart Southwest Air

Pilot: If you guys on the right look out, we have a rare treat for you today: one of those F-117 stealth fighters they're using to defend our country.
(passengers on the right all look)
Pilot: Of course, to prove that your tax dollars are at work, he has the stealth technology turned on, so you probably won't be able to see him.

Pilot: This is a no smoking, no whining, no bothering the flight attendants flight. If you violate that, we will give you one verbal warning. After that, we'll make you sit out on the wing for the duration of the flight - or as long as you can hang on.

Pilot: Be warned, if you come out of the lavatory and we smell smoke on you, we will assume it's you that's on fire and we WILL go for the fire extinguisher.

Pilot: You have a life vest - though I'm not sure why you'd use it, flying to Kansas City...

Pilot: For all our young aviators on board, this is the point in the flight where we make a lot of noise and go real, real fast.

Pilot: Be sure that your carry-on items are stowed securely under the seat in front of you so that you have absolutely no place to put your feet.

Pilot: As you well know, Southwest Airlines has some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this plane.

Pilot: When I turn off the "fasten seatbelts" sign, that will be your cue to pick up your carry-on items, jump out into the center aisle, and go absolutely noplace.

Pilot: You may now turn on your cell phones and pagers, but if you have a pager, get with the 21st century! Get a cell phone!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

philosophy club

Niki: Oh, I can't wait to get my test back.
Zach: Why, did you write it in 1337?

Ann: Well, if the world was going to end, you would think things would go into a complete state of chaos and anarchy and there would be babies everywhere.

Sarah: There are no lengths too great to go to save people from the fires of Hell.
Zach: (pause) I'm a unicorn!

Ann: It was tunnels... they were just kind of flat tunnels.

Sarah: Do I look like the sort of person who would have kids with teeth?

Sarah: Look! Triangles!
Ann: Look! Jesus fish!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Mayonnaise: Satan's Spawn?

Who needs comedians when you have professors?

Prof Arana: Number 2 - you know, the one the little kids count, (sings) "1, 2, 3, 4..."

Prof Arana: When I was an undergraduate, I thought I should have this tattooed on my back. (pause) Maybe I did. (winks)

Prof Arana: It keeps building up again and again and again and again until your synapses are just overwhelmed with coolness.

Prof Arana: Let me pass out the... well, not literally pass out.

Prof Arana: So just be a careful, annoying student.

Prof Arana: I'm just so excited to write Greek letters, I can't help myself.

Prof Arana: Mayonnaise is the spawn of the devil.

Prof Arana: I want to kind of kick back. Maybe I'll teach with my left hand.

Prof Arana: We'd be here for a while. Yeah, there would be this medical problem, you know, death...

Prof Arana: I'm not wearing a dress today.

Prof Arana: You gotta hold me back. I'm a raging bull today.

Prof Arana: I'm so excited I'll be back from France in time to go to the rodeo this summer.

Prof Johnson: And following energy flow, we're going to get into nutrient cycling, which is just about the hottest topic there is.

Prof Johnson: You like my humus particle?

Prof Sabates: (chair creaks) That's the pineal gland, or no?

Prof Sabates: Because it's partly material and partly... soulish.

Prof Sabates: My soul isn't the right kind of soul for a respectable person.

Prof Sabates: (stops to rub neck) I wonder whether a Martian can have a neck pain.

Prof Sabates: The plural of "octopus", by the way, is "octopuses". I learned many things from my PhD advisor. This is not the most important, but it is perhaps the most remarkable.

Prof Sabates: I know you behave much like me... okay, not that bad, but roughly.

Prof Sabates: Water is a nickel, coke is a dime, and then for a quarter, you get a pretty good glass of Chardonnay.

Friday, March 02, 2007

presidents say the darndest things

Chad: We could be an epicenter.

Shelby: Chad wants us to be a 40Hz bass wave.

President Clinton: I'm going to take you on a trip through my mind, sort of. It might be scary.

President Clinton: ...who is no liberal Democrat tree-hugger like me.

President Clinton: And I looked in the mirror and I said, "I am a non-governmental organization!"

President Clinton: It's a Kabuki dance. (hand jive)

President Clinton: I used to wear a lot of cowboy buckles.

Audience member: Welcome to Kansas, Mr. President. Are we on the brink of Armageddon?