Monday, December 18, 2006

Another tragic knitting accident

Stevie: Stick your fingers in this and wiggle them around.
Niki: How many fingers?
Stevie: Just the four main ones.
Niki: You're a brave, brave, woman.
Stevie: Comfy?
Niki: Yeah, not too tight at all.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Racial Profiling

Kodey - We should have rib pizza. Just put ribs on pizza; after you eat the ribs you can eat the pizza.
Josh - Are you black?

Restaurant Fun

More ways to get kicked out of a 24-hour restaurant
by Derek and Sarah
  1. When the server comes to take your order, tell them you just need a few more minutes. Continue to do this each time they return. Bring a book.
  2. When the server comes to take your order, insist on taking theirs first.
  3. Bring your children. Bring every toy they own. Set the toys up in any nearby empty booths and let the children roam freely.
  4. Claim to be a fruitarian. Engage the waitress in a long struggle to find something on the menu you can eat. If you fail, complain to the manager about their discriminatory menu. If you succeed, change your mind and order a hamburger.
  5. Order a single piece of lettuce. Insist on a "fair price."
  6. Order human flesh.
  7. Order "five miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter, and one pasta with meatless balls," thirteen orders of fries, wine and beer. Proceed to perform La Vie Boheme in its entirety. Dance on top of the table.
  8. Push all the nearby tables together to form a wall around your table. If anyone asks questions, say you need it for "protection."
  9. Insist on paying through the barter system. Attempt to use their own condiments as payment.
  10. Whether or not you know how to play a viola, bring one and begin to perform. If the management asks you to stop, act shocked that they would treat you this way when you're providing them with live music for free.
  11. Start repainting the walls.
  12. After eating, superglue the plates to the table. When the server comes to pick them up, feign ignorance.
  13. Make up business cards listing you as a "Personal Fashion Consultant." Hand them to other customers with the comment that they could really use your services.
  14. Take backpacks, bags, and coats and reserve several seats. Sit someplace completely different.
  15. Tell the server you're meeting someone and they should be here any minute. Keep waiting for them until the server becomes visibly agitated. Then ask the server if they would please go pick them up for you.
  16. Before ordering, ask to see their latest health inspection results. Then ask to see their HACCP logs. Then ask to see the MSDS on any cleaning products that were used on your table or any of the surfaces used to prepare your food.
  17. Offer to buy the restaurant. Don't take "no" for an answer.
  18. Bring in your own table, chairs, utensils, and lighting.
  19. When ordering, point to a nearby table and say, "I'd like to have what' they're having." When the server brings your order, point again and say, "No, I wanted theirs."
  20. When the server brings your food, ask them to take a bite out of each portion, "just to be sure."
  21. Play strip poker.
  22. Carry parody tracts. Ask servers and people at nearby tables whether they've found their Savior. If they say yes, say "I'll trade you!" and hand them a tract.
  23. Bring a stand-up comic, belly-dancer, or fire-juggler to entertain you while you eat.
  24. When you are asked to be seated at a table, refuse, claiming that it is haunted. Repeat indefinitely.
  25. Pick a random person in the restaurant and claim that you are with them. Continue to insist on this regardless of anything the other person says. Sit next to them.

Excuses for oversleeping

Sarah, sleepily: I was dreaming about being in class, and I was hoping that if I went back to sleep, I would learn something.

Friday, December 15, 2006

You are approached by High Adventure.

Zach: Sometimes I break out into English.

Derek: She's gotten a lot more expensive now. But then, it's not zebras any more - now you get to play with her breasts.

Derek: I want a moveable mushroom cloud.

Derek: High Adventure's going to find you. And kill you dead.

High Adventure kills you with Swashbuckling Action!