Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Years (Shelby and Chad)

Shelby: Drink puss! (then proceeds to not open the bottle)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Chad: its not like "blam theres an avacado on my tongue!"

Chad: avacados taste so green
Shelby: how does something taste green?
Chad: in food, there are several types of green
Shelby: lost
Chad: green can be mild
Shelby: lost
Chad:a green chile sauce?
Shelby: lost
Chad: you know when you buy salsa? the lids are red, yello, and green
Shelby: um
Chad: lost

Chad spelling his name on this blog (all at once): cjad, cjhad, cgad,cghad, chjad, chad

Shelby: can you hear the elevator music in my head?

Saturday, December 24, 2005


Sarah: (lobs a wadded up piece of paper at Chad) Ooh! I made a basket!

Sarah (wrapping a gift in silver garland making it all fuzzy): It looks like a Furby.
Chad: Look, it's Cien!
Sarah: No, I said Furby, the annoying talking doll, not furry.
Sarah: Cien is not a furby!

Chad: How do you spell tinsel?
Sarah: T-i-n-s-e-l... but it's actually garland.
Chad: Oh... I can spell that.

Sarah (wrapping another gift): Oh god, she's going to think this is a dildo.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Leota's Guide to Pet Care

Leota, gesturing to her dog, Allie: You know, she is technically my child now. When I went to pick up her prescription I had to sign a paper stating that I am her legal gardian. Come to think of it, I do take her to her doctor visits, pay $200 a month for her medicine, and in general 'raise' her...see she is my child and I will do for her what I see fit. *starts humming the Cruella DeVille song* Wow...where'd that come from...why is it stuck in my head?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Pirate.. arg...

Over AIM.. amazingly one of the cheapest ways to talk to some one that lives in california..

Lillie: I feel piratey
Derek: my trianer always feels that way.. to the point he has 'captain will' on his name tag
Lillie: well, I've got one up on him *points to the parrot on her shoulder*
*gestures vaguely at her shoulder* this is Sparkle, she's a cockatiel, she belongs to my little brother's science class
Derek: *grins* *wavse to sparkle*
Lillie: She politely ignores everything unless it's the muffin you're trying to eat for breakfast XD
or jewelry...she likes jewelry (she's the pirate I tell you!!!)
I wanna know who's bright idea it was to name her sparkle brother and I are starting a secret pirate-y-parrot rebellion and calling her tori...which means bird in japanese XD
Derek: fun fun I actaully knew that... it invovles a long night and AURA
Lillie: wee I've also been calling her Kaizoku *shifty eyes*

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Random dj talking on radio about the depeche mode:" they like men...and by like, i mean have sex with"

Finals Week Woes

Leota : (Walks in, puts her coat down on her chair) My Spanish final ate my soul. (Leaves the room)

Crazy Talk

To give some background, up until this sentence, we'd been talking about how he needed to go talk to his dad, pick up his car, and do some other random errands.

Chad: I'll be going to the store and be like, "What do you want honey?" and you'll say, "I want, no, wait, yeah, i want, no, i, uh, no, wait, I..."
Shelby (after a pause): I have no idea what you just tried to say.

TO HELL!!!!.......

Chad: how much longer are you going to study?
Shelby: until i throw my book on the ground frustrated and damn alan greenspan to the firey depths of hell.......oh wait, i already did that.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Movie night in review

Kendra (to Jordan): No touchy there.

Kendra (undercovers with Jordan): We're not doing anything . . . that you can see.

Brad ("watching" Jordan and Kendra): Whoops I'm getting distracted (by Annie of course).

Jordan (w/Kendra): This is nothing compared to what she did on pixie sticks.

Jordan: God she's evil, my wrists are still chaffing.

Jordan: it doesn't look that way.
Annie: (mummbles through Brad's mouth)

Annie: And Kendra's purring over there.
Kendra: No.
Jordan: That was me.

Chad's 21st Birthday

Chad (After Shelby told him no more bottle rocket wars): Well, couldn't I still do it if I had a cup, a paintball mask, and duct-tape armor on?
Shelby: Sweetie...duct tape armor will not save your life.
Chad: Yeah it would. That stuff is thick!
Shelby: Sweetie...duct tape armor will not save your life.

Monday, December 12, 2005

This is your brain on SPAM

Zach: I'll whip out my MSGs and start mowing people down.

Zach: Squirrels are so fat this time of year. It's like, go on a diet!

Zach: I want a blue one, a red one, and a ninja-colored one.

Cien: Can't you show me a sign of affection that doesn't involve you, like, sucking my brain?

"Death Moan"

So, Leota and I have been feeling like crap and alternately throwing up since about 10:30 last night. When the girls of Smurthwaite found out, they decided to show their compassion by spraying the entire first floor and lobby with Lysol. They have also decided to write us a "Get Well" message on the white board that warns everyone to stay away from us. Here are the funny things we've said in our sickly stupor.

To add to the story, on one of Shelby's many runs to the bathroom, Shoffner decided it would be funny to scare her as she came out the door. She didn't think about Shelby smashing into the Christmas bulbs hanging outside the door and then making a beeline for the bathroom. Needless to say, Shoffy cleaned up the mess and apologized for scaring her.

Shelby: How do you spell Lysol?
Leota: L-Y-S-O-L-E...wait, that would be Lysole...

Leota: Wow...I'm a Smartie...Not only did I eat cereal with milk, which you're not supposed to do when you're sick, but I just remembered that I'm lactose intolerant...

Shelby: I really just want to say "fuck macro" right now...but then I'd have to fuck Alan Greenspan, and I don't want to do that.

Chad's Paper Atrocities Pt II

Shelby: Is "Extended Learning Program" capatalized?
Chad: OK

Chad (reading aloud from his paper): While he was gone comma Travis comma the second guitarist comma and I decided to run through songs each of us was working on individually.
Shelby: Wow, that was hot.

hey waiter...

Shelby (calling the front desk at 12:30 to Meryl) :There is a spider in my room come kill it.
Meryl: Excuse me?
Shelby: There is a spider in my room come kill it.
Meryl: Who is this?
Shelby: This is shelby, come kill it.

(she does and is Shelby's hero)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Chad's Paper Atrocities

Chad: I can't spell 3rd, I have to spell third.

Chad's Paper: ...for the next 4 and a half years.
Shelby: Chad, you can't have the number be half numeral and half word.
Chad: Why not?

Shelby: My head just exploded. I don't even know how to fix this sentence.

Shelby: You need a preposition...and how do you compete "on quiz bowl?"

Chad: I don't know. I suck. I lose. Game over.

Shelby: So I have a question...why in the last several sentences have you spelled the word "four," but when it comes to any other number, you use the numeral?

Shelby, (reading the correction out loud): "Each of the four elementary schools had a team, and each team competed three spelled out times."

Chad: I get to use a comma? My English teacher will be so happy.

Chad's Paper: "The rounds were questions until a team made it to 10."

Chad: Oh, No. It's not you; it's me...shit.

Thoughts on the Earth's mantle

Cien: That would be so funny if the earth was like a giant bathtub and they put a big filter thing over the hole so fish and hair wouldn't clog up the mantle.

Cien: Try to reisanvinb from bhurgvbu a cinnvbysab ceratiab.
Sarah: Were there any distinguishable words in what you just said?
Cien: Yes, I said "try!"

Cien: ....Community recreation centree
Sarah: Centree?
Cien: Yeah, it's Latin.
Sarah: You mean British?
Cien: That too...

Sarah: We're so totally Christmas!
Cien: Yeah, if Christmas is sea-foam green.

What Studying Does to My Mind...

Michelle: I can get you guys prepared for the Chem. test...what's a mole?
Leota: 6.02x10^23...or a small, fuzzy animal that burrows in the ground. It all depends on the situation.
Michelle, laughing: You should so put that on your test!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Two Sounds at once

Shelby, Whistling while humming: You can do it too if you tried.
Annie: Breathing in while breathing out?

Shelby, sniffing her doll's hair: She has yarn hair that smells good.

Leota: I'll turn this house around

The morning after...

Shelby (showing Leota her new Cabbage Patch Kid): Look, we left and we came back with a kid.
Chad: Yeah, we work fast.
Leota: Damn, get a little alcohol in you two...

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday Night

Sarah: I am so having a moviegasm right now.

Shelby, unwrapping her present: This a so much better than a dildo!

Shelby's Call-In Funny

Chad: My mind is off on three other trains.

Leota's Reasoning as to Why Our Room Stinks

Leota: I just cleaned Guinea's page...I mean cage...

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Pizizzle fo shizzle!

On Instant Messenger...

Sarah: I'm going to go pick up some izza.
Sarah: I mean pizza.
Sarah: Heck, I will have no p on my izza!
Sarah: p to the izza, yo!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

In British...

Shelby: I heard out of the corner of my ear.

Shelby, being Stan Shunpike: "What were you doin' down there?" "I fell over." "'Choo fell over fo?" "'Choo lookin at?"

Shelby: Harry Potter helps me study, alright? It just does.

Shelby, being Hagrid: "Shouldn'a said tha."
Leota: I'm just imagining your head on a fat, hairy guy's body.

Leota: What tea will help me be awake? (looks through her tea) Oh wait, maybe the one called "Awake."

Shelby: Who else could I do from Harry Potter?

(Shelby, trips over Chad's present)

Leota: I just tried to breathe noodle.

Shelby: Okay, I think we're done with this post.
Leota: I was just making sure we were done being funny.
Shelby: I have to pee...all this laughing makes me have to pee.
Leota, after pushing 'Publish Post': Well, good thing we can edit the post.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

No More Word Checks!!!

Okay, so this isn't really a funny thing, but I e-mailed the blogger people to see about taking that word check thing off of the blog, and after reviewing our site, they've agreed to take it off (we're not a spam blog, so it's okay). So, yay for us. Just thought I'd let you guys know!

free coupons?

Panda Express is handing out fortune cookies and coupons and one of the guys asked if we wanted some "fortune cookies and free coupons." Are they really coupons if you have to pay for them?

Monday, December 05, 2005

Missing Digits...

Annie, hitting her ring finger: Owe! I found my finger!
Leota: found your finger?
Nakayla: I didn't realize that it was lost....
Annie: No...wait, I hurt my know what I meant!

Fun with Wands

Sarah: I just had a mental image of you pointing it at me and saying, "Alohomora!"

Sarah: *attempts to make the dry meal noise*

Sunday, December 04, 2005

At the Bistro (11/27/05)

Sarah: If we're lucky, there'll be another tornado.

Derek: Oh crap, we're all screwed... Would you like some tea?

Cien: Usually when I visualize the country, Iowa gets left off.
Sarah: It's easy to do.

Cien: ...and we had to come up with words that start with x.
Derek: Zebra!

Sarah: Oh, yeah. Painting is the hallmark sign of someone with French tendencies.

(Zach enters)
Everyone: Yay!
Zach: I almost died twice today.
Everyone: Yay! Oh, wait - good for you!

Cien: Chocolate syrup plus coffee powder equals mercury.

Shelby: Anyway, back to Jesus.

Sarah: Oh, I thought we were being knocked on.

Cien: Bawk bawk BOOM!

Shelby: Annie's so nice, she gave me a bird!

Shelby: Don't touch his eyes!
Cien: Why not? I've touched every other part of him.

Cien, narrating: Brad pulled down Annie's shirt, revealing her soft, supple breasts...

(phone rings)
Guy on Phone: It's a horse!

Shelby: I want to die and come back as Oprah.
Leota: You are Oprah.

Cien and Sarah: Everyone is different. No two people are not Oprah.

At the Bistro (11/20/05)

Sarah: Well, you could always load your ship on a boat...

Cien: Is it like a wave of orgasms across your... clip art?

Cien: It was great! I made chickens fall from the bove with the strength of meteors.

Derek: Well, at least you could say, "I've been in college six years, and this has always worked for me... and I'm still here..." Okay, maybe that wouldn't work.

Random Musings on MSN Video Chat

Chad: l8r
Shelby: L ate R. That wasn't a very nice thing to do.
Chad: Yeah, poor R.

Shelby: So if R's gone now, do you realize what that does to my name? Shelby Magaet Benn. My middle name is Magaet (pronounced Maggot).
Chad: Chad Benjamin Palme
Shelby: That's still better than Magaet.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Top 50 Ways to Find Jesus

  1. Cell phone address book
  2. Look behind the couch
  3. Check the Mexica restaurant
  4. Phone book/Yellow pages
  5. Dissect a Christian - they have Jesus in their hearts
  6. Ask the Pope
  7. Sock drawer
  8. That place where all the lost things go
  9. The hole in the dryer that eats your socks
  10. Jesusland
  11. Personal ad
  12. Milk cartons
  13. "LOST" posters
  14. Missing persons report
  15. Grilled cheese sandwich
  16. Die and go to heaven
  17. Play "Marco Polo"
  18. The Republican National Convention
  19. On a cross
  20. The opposite direction from the one the pagans are going
  21. The pagans' lock-box
  22. A cage in Neverland (Michael Jackson's, not Peter Pan's)
  23. Ripley's "Believe it or Not"
  24. Coat closet in the Vatican
  25. Chamber of Secrets
  26. Supermarket tabloids
  27. Ask Mel Gibson
  28. Wherever Elvis is hiding
  29. The last place you look
  30. Narnia
  31. Area 51
  32. Center of the Earth
  33. Mental hospital
  34. Salt Lake City
  35. Across the street - with the Mexicans
  36. Pizza Shuttle
  37. Under a bridge in Houston
  38. Miscellaneous food items
  39. Ask an evangelist - from a safe distance (and remember not to sign anything!)
  40. Ask Buddha
  41. Ask Santa; he knows all
  42. Dirty sex talk (Oh, Jesus!)
  43. The internet
  44. Wal*Mart
  45. Google
  46. eBay
  47. A trailer park
  48. Ask DaVinci
  49. The restroom
  50. LSD

What happens when Cien pretends to be a ninja.

Zach: I would have thought that a ninja would attack more stealthily.

Shelby's sexy talk

Shelby (talking to Chad on the phone): I'm sitting in my loft right now with my pants down rubbing vaginal cream on my rash to try and make it go away...
Chad: Oooh, that's sexy.
Shelby: Why?
Chad: Cause you just said "vaginal" and "pants down" in the same sentence.
Shelby: Let me get a second opinion. (To Leota) Leota, is that sentence sexier because it has the word "vaginal" in it?
Leota: Probably...

Friday, December 02, 2005

The reason why we didn't get too much done in high school...

Amber, Leota, and Robert between 10:00 and 12:45pm in Smurthwaite

Robert: It was so hard too.
Amber: I'm sorry, next time I'll do it softer.
Robert, looking at Amber weirdly: Okay...
Leota, laughing: Give me a pencil and a piece of paper!

Amber: See, Leota loves me more.
Robert: Well yeah, that's why she's your lover.
Leota: I'll get Sarah that TV yet!

Leota: OMG! Isaac can talk?!

Robert: OMG, Mark's laugh was worse than Sam's bark...and that bark was creepy...

Amber: Relationship and friendship are not the same thing.
Leota: Yeah, if they were, Facebook would have a "in a friendship with" option.

Robert: I'm going to sleep what you will.

Robert, about to fall asleep: Do I look like an egg to you?
Leota and Amber: Yes...
Robert: Then scramble me in a pot.
Amber: OMG, It's like he's drunk!

Amber, to Robert who was falling asleep standing up: Okay, it's time to sit down now.
Robert: Huh...what?....

Amber: Hey, if you want to see drunk, I'll wake Robert up.

Amber, trying to wake Robert up: Hey, time to wake up, I'll take you home to your bed.
Robert: ..............what?.............this is my bed.....
Leota: No...this is Smurthwaite.
Robert: What am I doing in Smurthwaite?