Wednesday, June 03, 2009

test

Having some blog issues, just want to make sure everything is okay.

Friday, January 02, 2009

New PQP site

Some people have had technical problems accessing this website, and we have some west coast friends who want to join in on the quote page fun, so we've started a new blog for more recent PQP goodness. Give me your email address and I'll send you an invite!

Sarah

Monday, October 06, 2008

Long live the Pagan Quote Page!

Sarah: Are you pillowing, billowing, or burrowing?
Cole: I'm millowing.
Sarah: ...
Cole: It's being like... a millow.
Sarah: ...
Cole: It's like a minnow.
Sarah: ...
Cole: Except you can make it into flour.
Sarah: ...
Cole: Fish flour.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Urban Violin Outfitters

Cole:  See the guy in the orchestra with the cute little hat?
Sarah:  He looks like he should be in a coffee shop with a guitar.
Cole:  But instead, he's on stage, with the Gorillaz, with a violin.  It's like Clue.

Cole:  Look at the backup singers.  One of these things is not like the others.
Sarah:  He's like, "I just followed the guy with the hat here from the coffee shop, and they gave me this microphone..."

Friday, November 30, 2007

How to get through grad school: oranges and plastic knives.

Sarah: You're peeling an orange with a plastic knife? Impressive.
Bach: You gotta do what you have to do to survive.
Ben: That must be one awesome orange!

I'm hotter than a librarian

Sarah:  I thought about coming up with some sarcastic answer to fill in the blank, but I didn't think it would be right to compare you to some actress or librarian or--

Sarah:  My penis has exited my pants.

Monday, October 15, 2007

philosophers sure do know how to argue

Sarah: It's nice to finally have some real weather.
Niki: 'Hot' is real weather.
Sarah: Is not.
Niki: Is too.
Sarah: Not.
Niki: Too.
Sarah: Not!
Niki: Too!
Sarah: Not!
Niki: Too!
Sarah: Not!
Niki: Too!
Sarah: Not not not not not infinity!
Niki: Too too too too infinity times two!
Sarah: Ah, but infinity times two is countable, and all countable inifities are the same size!
Niki: You can't be having a childish argument like that and then insert adult logic at the end!
Sarah: Can too.
Niki: Can not!
Sarah: Too.
Niki: Not!
Sarah: Too!
Niki: Not!
Sarah: Too!
Niki: Not not not not not infinity!
Sarah: Too too too too too the set of all subsets of infinity, which is an uncountable infinity, so it's bigger! Hah! I win!
Niki: I hate playing with older kids.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

twue wuv

Sarah: You're beautiful. Now go make me dinner.
Niki: I'm going to be a househusband!
Sarah, sweetly: See, rich people hire people to do things like that for them. I hire you for free, and that makes you a sucker. (smiles lovingly)

Sarah: You should learn Greek with me.
Niki: That would be work.
Sarah: But it would be funny! Your handwriting in Greek would be hilarious. (giggles)
Niki: Hey, it's no fair for you to laugh at me for something I haven't even done yet.
Sarah: Aha! You just said it was something you haven't done yet. Which means you WILL do it in the future.
Niki: Not true. The US makes "preemptive strikes" against lots countries that would never have attacked us if we hadn't done a preemptive strike...
Sarah: Ah, but they attack us after the preemptive strike, which means we struck them before they struck us after all.
Niki: ...
Sarah: So I laugh at you preemptively, which apparently makes you... learn Greek?

Thursday, June 07, 2007

jedi revelations

Niki: Oh, you know what I found out today? So I was playing with my lightsaber...

Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Quote Wall - Drunken Munchkin

Derek *After sitting down to play a new game and picking up random cards beside him*: These aren't my cards...

Derek has died XVI times, and has no class.

Scott: I can't feel my face.

Rules: Whenever you gain a level, take a drink.
Whenever you lose a level, take two drinks.
Whenever you are benefiting from race abilities, take a drink.
Dwarves may only drink beer or other appropriately dwarven drinks.
Halflings may only take shots.
Elves may only drink girly drinks.
Winning: Everyone is a cleric and divine intervention is played (everyone wins)
When ever you reach level ten (normally win) you reset to one, loose items and cards, draw 4 more, and make a new rule. This rule may not be I win, though if I get level 10 again I win, is acceptable.


Optional Rules From Night:
Mattie: Whenever Derek dies, everyone drinks.
Mattie: Jason can make anyone drink.
Jason: Whenever Austin is made to drink, Derek drinks instead.
Jason: Whenever you gain a level you instead drink for the number of items you are benefiting from. (This lead to a very bad off Jason having to drink 24 drinks...)
Mattie: I don't care what Scott says the rules are this has been going on too long and he's asleep. I win.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A Totally Innocent Conversation That Was Not Sexual In Any Way

Niki: Could you hold the penis while I put on my pants?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I <3 Southwest Airlines

Today, for your amusement, entertainment, merriment, and a lot of other things that end in -ment, we have a Spring Break Quotepage Triple Feature!

Part 1 - "Poop is food": Professors Gone Wild

Prof Arana: Let's not talk about magic for now...

Prof Arana: You're getting more macho as you take on this stuff.

Prof Arana: That's just too many words to write down. Too many letters.

Prof Arana: Forget all that nonsense! Do it the right way.

Prof Arana: And you wonder why we come out like this after a PhD.

Prof Arana: You learn to feel that you are a moron, which is a good thing to learn at some point.

Prof Arana: So we'll get a PhD in 3 days, then. Starting next week.

Prof Johnson: This is almost starting to sound like a game show.

Prof Johnson: My boyfriend is always doing that. I try to stop him, but I never catch him. He's a physicist.
Random girl: Dumb physicists.
Prof Johnson: Yeah, I know.

Prof Johnson: Poop is food.

Random guy: What's the drinking water supply for Lawrence?
Prof Johnson: The Kansas river.
Random guy: That explains everything.

Guy in the back: So our sewage goes into the Kansas river and they drink it?
Prof Johnson: Yes.
Guy in the back: That's awesome. We're going to make t-shirts.

Prof Johnson: It says, "Don't swim here because there's poop."

Prof Sabates: Which in turn is going to send the message that I need to remove my brain.
Class: (awkward pause)
Tracy: You just said you need to remove your brain.
Prof Sabates: Well, for me that might be a good idea.

Part 2 - "You're just shallow": A Philosophy Conference Interlude

Philo commentator: The issue of the supremacy of Thin Mints aside...

Philo presenter: I was a philosophical couch potato. Just philosophically going up the stairs wore me down.

Philo presenter: And if we're going to gesture, let them be explicit gestures.

Philo presenter: You're not wrong, just shallow!

Philo presenter: Even if those counterarguments don't go through, neener, neener, neener.

Part 3 - "Your tax dollars at work": I Heart Southwest Air

Pilot: If you guys on the right look out, we have a rare treat for you today: one of those F-117 stealth fighters they're using to defend our country.
(passengers on the right all look)
Pilot: Of course, to prove that your tax dollars are at work, he has the stealth technology turned on, so you probably won't be able to see him.

Pilot: This is a no smoking, no whining, no bothering the flight attendants flight. If you violate that, we will give you one verbal warning. After that, we'll make you sit out on the wing for the duration of the flight - or as long as you can hang on.

Pilot: Be warned, if you come out of the lavatory and we smell smoke on you, we will assume it's you that's on fire and we WILL go for the fire extinguisher.

Pilot: You have a life vest - though I'm not sure why you'd use it, flying to Kansas City...

Pilot: For all our young aviators on board, this is the point in the flight where we make a lot of noise and go real, real fast.

Pilot: Be sure that your carry-on items are stowed securely under the seat in front of you so that you have absolutely no place to put your feet.

Pilot: As you well know, Southwest Airlines has some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this plane.

Pilot: When I turn off the "fasten seatbelts" sign, that will be your cue to pick up your carry-on items, jump out into the center aisle, and go absolutely noplace.

Pilot: You may now turn on your cell phones and pagers, but if you have a pager, get with the 21st century! Get a cell phone!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

philosophy club

Niki: Oh, I can't wait to get my test back.
Zach: Why, did you write it in 1337?

Ann: Well, if the world was going to end, you would think things would go into a complete state of chaos and anarchy and there would be babies everywhere.

Sarah: There are no lengths too great to go to save people from the fires of Hell.
Zach: (pause) I'm a unicorn!

Ann: It was tunnels... they were just kind of flat tunnels.

Sarah: Do I look like the sort of person who would have kids with teeth?

Sarah: Look! Triangles!
Ann: Look! Jesus fish!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Mayonnaise: Satan's Spawn?

Who needs comedians when you have professors?

Prof Arana: Number 2 - you know, the one the little kids count, (sings) "1, 2, 3, 4..."

Prof Arana: When I was an undergraduate, I thought I should have this tattooed on my back. (pause) Maybe I did. (winks)

Prof Arana: It keeps building up again and again and again and again until your synapses are just overwhelmed with coolness.

Prof Arana: Let me pass out the... well, not literally pass out.

Prof Arana: So just be a careful, annoying student.

Prof Arana: I'm just so excited to write Greek letters, I can't help myself.

Prof Arana: Mayonnaise is the spawn of the devil.

Prof Arana: I want to kind of kick back. Maybe I'll teach with my left hand.

Prof Arana: We'd be here for a while. Yeah, there would be this medical problem, you know, death...

Prof Arana: I'm not wearing a dress today.

Prof Arana: You gotta hold me back. I'm a raging bull today.

Prof Arana: I'm so excited I'll be back from France in time to go to the rodeo this summer.

Prof Johnson: And following energy flow, we're going to get into nutrient cycling, which is just about the hottest topic there is.

Prof Johnson: You like my humus particle?

Prof Sabates: (chair creaks) That's the pineal gland, or no?

Prof Sabates: Because it's partly material and partly... soulish.

Prof Sabates: My soul isn't the right kind of soul for a respectable person.

Prof Sabates: (stops to rub neck) I wonder whether a Martian can have a neck pain.

Prof Sabates: The plural of "octopus", by the way, is "octopuses". I learned many things from my PhD advisor. This is not the most important, but it is perhaps the most remarkable.

Prof Sabates: I know you behave much like me... okay, not that bad, but roughly.

Prof Sabates: Water is a nickel, coke is a dime, and then for a quarter, you get a pretty good glass of Chardonnay.

Friday, March 02, 2007

presidents say the darndest things

Chad: We could be an epicenter.

Shelby: Chad wants us to be a 40Hz bass wave.

President Clinton: I'm going to take you on a trip through my mind, sort of. It might be scary.

President Clinton: ...who is no liberal Democrat tree-hugger like me.

President Clinton: And I looked in the mirror and I said, "I am a non-governmental organization!"

President Clinton: It's a Kabuki dance. (hand jive)

President Clinton: I used to wear a lot of cowboy buckles.

Audience member: Welcome to Kansas, Mr. President. Are we on the brink of Armageddon?

Monday, February 26, 2007

Feb 25, 2007

Zach: Kansas has its own unique, flat... redundant beauty.

Amanda: You have to be careful with those. If I had bought one, I might have saved my last marriage, which shouldn’t be saved.
Matt (quoting Amanda, in reference to her last marriage): “This sucks, but…”

Niki: It’s an entire zoo in your pants.

Amanda: Don’t use your sex toy for calf pain!

Amanda, about Katie’s phone: It’s like the Satan phone!

Zach: They hide the ones that are like five feet long and go around like this: (flails arm around)

Jessie: We’re so cool, we have our own STD.
Niki: Yeah, but it’s an STD that gets you out of speeding tickets.

Amanda: I have to go to the bathroom... I need to check for diplomatic immunity.

Amanda: Matt. Razor blades in apples. Urban myth or fact?
Matt: Urban myth.
Amanda: That’s his job. (pauses) He puts razor blades in apples.
Matt: Actually, I got fired for that.

Arana for the win

Sarah's logic professor is a veritable gold mine of quotable goodness.

Prof Arana: It could be a name for "Chetina", the not very common German name I just made up.

Joe, to Prof Arana: The department needs to adopt a Kuwaiti boy, is that what you're saying?

Prof Arana: Making babies really pays off in this state.

Prof Arana: So let those endophins rush. This is what makes it all worthwhile. This is like the national championship. (after proving ∀x[T(x) -> L(x)] -> [∀xT(x) -> ∀xL(x)])

Prof Arana: I'm smoking hot, guys. This is very physical logic we're doing here.

Prof Arana: "c" disappears in a poof of smoke, and you ought to make a sort of "poof" sound.

Prof Arana: Now you go back to plain, boring, ordinary life where you don't have a funny name for that object.

Prof Arana: So that's a pretty exciting proof, yeah, exciting in the way Baywatch is exciting... not very exciting.

Prof Arana: So let's do another proof that's a little more... seductive.

Prof Arana: Up until now we've been just sort of grazing in the grass.

Prof Arana: (giggles) You just wrote "ass" on the board.

Prof Arana: There are no insights here. That's good. We don't want insight.

Prof Arana: Give me a keg of beer.

Prof Arana: c is the sad set... real sad. It ruined a man's life.

Prof Arana: It's metafun. Is metafun fun?

Prof Arana: The academic life is like that - long walks on the beach, a bit of logic romance...

Prof Arana: If I give you three cookies and two pencils, which is more?
500-level logic class: (total silence)

Prof Arana: I'm a Yankee by birth, rebel by choice, Southerner by the grace of God.

Monday, February 12, 2007

question for you all to consider

Sarah: Do you have any idea how long it would take to swim across a lake of melted cheese that stretched from Denver to the middle of Illinois?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

I want a PhD in Fun!

Zach: I'm on the leading edge of pesto science. I have a minor in apple butter.

Zach: You know what I really like?
Niki and Sarah, in unison: Pickles?

Zach: Since my car is... a bicycle, and it's parked over here.

University of Fun
PhD Course Catalog


Core Curriculum
LP 101 Pie: An Overview
LP 104 The Art of Setting Things on Fire
HD 101 Bad Puns
WA 101 Looking Busy
RD 101 Poking Things With a Stick

Leisure Pursuits
LP 102 Hitting a Ball With a Stick
LP 103 The Art of Button-Mashing
LP 110 YouTube for Fun and Profit
LP 111 Oh My God, Shoes
LP 214 Pointless Road Trips
LP 221 Rolling Down Hills
LP 230 Finding and Enjoying Bad Fanfic
LP 255 Peace, Love, Unity, Respect
LP 271 Interactive Film-Watching
LP 272 Advanced Culinary Appreciation
LP 299 Finding the Clitoris
LP Practicum: Psychotropic Drugs
LP Practicum: Kama Sutra

Department of Humor Development Department
HD 103 Sarcasm and You
HD 105 Light Bulb Jokes
HD 106 Monty Python Seminar
HD 110 Laughing at Yourself
HD 201 The 80s: WTF?
HD 210 Annoying the General Public
HD 255 The Comic Potential of Drunk Friends
HD 265 Transvestism in Humour
HD 290 Dirty Jokes
HD Practicum: Stupid Human Tricks
HD Practicum: Flash Mobs

Work Avoidance Strategies
WA 102 Not Caring
WA 103 Extreme Napping
WA 104 Introduction to Malingering
WA 105 Procrastinating With Buffalo
WA 206 Wikipedia is Really Work
WA 208 Online Gaming as a "Life Substitute"
WA Practicum: Creative Excuses
WA Practicum: Becoming a Medical Test Subject

Research and Development
RD 112 Inciting Riots
RD 124 Live Action Role Playing
RD 127 Homemade Sporting Equipment
RD 207 Internet Drama Provocation
RD 270 Studies in Havoc-Causing
RD 297 Game Creation: The MacGyver Method
RD Practicum: Food Experiments (legal waiver required)
RD Practicum: Animating Inanimate Objects

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Toast! Yeah, toast!

Niki: I want to sniff your face.

Stevie: The future of tomorrow, today!

Sarah: You'll have a shortcut button on your keyboard that says "breakfast".
Stevie: Make me toast! Make me toast! Make me toast! (presses button repeatedly)
Sarah: And then it will go *doink* *doink* *doink* "Out of bread! Out of bread! Please load more bread and press the OK button on the toast drive."

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

smart quotes

Niki: In Soviet Russia, book marks you.

Logic Professor, on bound variables: I like this sort of bondage talk here... master and servant...

Logic Professor: When it comes to logic, I like it weird.

Logic Professor: Is it true that for all x, x is Garboo with itself?

Logic Professor: You don't know what "makk" means. I don't know what "makk" means and I just made it up.

Another Professor: The decision is made by President What-the-hell-is-his-name...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

3rd Annual Lock-In Quote Page!!! (super-coolx0rs)

Stevie says: "This quote page may be inappropriate for some audiences."

Zach, beating Brian with a boffer: Be more exciting! Be more exciting!

Shelby: People can get really excited when you beat them with those things.

Cien: I won the tic-tac-cheez.

Sarah, to Cien: We'll Photoshop you onto a Tetris block.

Lauren: ...and a Prince Valiant haircut.

Zach: What, were we doing an orgy?

Lauren: It smells like the Rainbow.

Jessica: Stevie said "syphilis".

Shelby: This is the first anniversary of "Aaahhhh..."

Chad: Do you know any geometry at all?

Cien: I want to cover the campus with instant mashed potatoes.
Sarah: If they caught you, you would so be dead.
Tasha: You could claim that the giant fork outside of King Hall commanded you to do it.
Sarah: Then you'd be dead and in Osawatomie.

Zach: What's wrong with your wooden desk?
Lauren: We were just talking about having sex with it.

Shelby: Come on, come on, come on, come on - BITCH!

Shelby: How about we do it this way - you're stripes, Leota's solids, and I'm 8-ball.

Jessica: "Hitting me sometimes gives you pleasure."
Zach: A lawn mower?

Cien: "I go in hard, I come out soft."
Shelby: Twinkie!

Cien, about Brad and Lauren: See, look - they do it every time!

Derek: It's strange how many things you can kill with a stake through the heart.

Everyone: Pimp my Vagina!
Brian: Fun with Dick and Vagina.
Shelby: We All Live in a Yellow Vagina.
Niki: Whose Vagina is it Anyway?
Leota: Dude, Where's my Vagina?

Jessica: Vagina Must Die.
Cien: I agree.

Shelby: I think anything's open now.
Sarah: If you can put a vagina in it...

Zach: I had a heterosexual moment.

Niki, to Brad: I can't find your nipple, man. Where the fuck is it?

Niki: That horse has got boobs of death.

Zach: I'm the global warming fairy!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Another tragic knitting accident

Stevie: Stick your fingers in this and wiggle them around.
Niki: How many fingers?
Stevie: Just the four main ones.
Niki: You're a brave, brave, woman.
Stevie: Comfy?
Niki: Yeah, not too tight at all.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Racial Profiling

Kodey - We should have rib pizza. Just put ribs on pizza; after you eat the ribs you can eat the pizza.
Josh - Are you black?

Restaurant Fun

More ways to get kicked out of a 24-hour restaurant
by Derek and Sarah
  1. When the server comes to take your order, tell them you just need a few more minutes. Continue to do this each time they return. Bring a book.
  2. When the server comes to take your order, insist on taking theirs first.
  3. Bring your children. Bring every toy they own. Set the toys up in any nearby empty booths and let the children roam freely.
  4. Claim to be a fruitarian. Engage the waitress in a long struggle to find something on the menu you can eat. If you fail, complain to the manager about their discriminatory menu. If you succeed, change your mind and order a hamburger.
  5. Order a single piece of lettuce. Insist on a "fair price."
  6. Order human flesh.
  7. Order "five miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter, and one pasta with meatless balls," thirteen orders of fries, wine and beer. Proceed to perform La Vie Boheme in its entirety. Dance on top of the table.
  8. Push all the nearby tables together to form a wall around your table. If anyone asks questions, say you need it for "protection."
  9. Insist on paying through the barter system. Attempt to use their own condiments as payment.
  10. Whether or not you know how to play a viola, bring one and begin to perform. If the management asks you to stop, act shocked that they would treat you this way when you're providing them with live music for free.
  11. Start repainting the walls.
  12. After eating, superglue the plates to the table. When the server comes to pick them up, feign ignorance.
  13. Make up business cards listing you as a "Personal Fashion Consultant." Hand them to other customers with the comment that they could really use your services.
  14. Take backpacks, bags, and coats and reserve several seats. Sit someplace completely different.
  15. Tell the server you're meeting someone and they should be here any minute. Keep waiting for them until the server becomes visibly agitated. Then ask the server if they would please go pick them up for you.
  16. Before ordering, ask to see their latest health inspection results. Then ask to see their HACCP logs. Then ask to see the MSDS on any cleaning products that were used on your table or any of the surfaces used to prepare your food.
  17. Offer to buy the restaurant. Don't take "no" for an answer.
  18. Bring in your own table, chairs, utensils, and lighting.
  19. When ordering, point to a nearby table and say, "I'd like to have what' they're having." When the server brings your order, point again and say, "No, I wanted theirs."
  20. When the server brings your food, ask them to take a bite out of each portion, "just to be sure."
  21. Play strip poker.
  22. Carry parody tracts. Ask servers and people at nearby tables whether they've found their Savior. If they say yes, say "I'll trade you!" and hand them a tract.
  23. Bring a stand-up comic, belly-dancer, or fire-juggler to entertain you while you eat.
  24. When you are asked to be seated at a table, refuse, claiming that it is haunted. Repeat indefinitely.
  25. Pick a random person in the restaurant and claim that you are with them. Continue to insist on this regardless of anything the other person says. Sit next to them.